After seven weeks of short-term disability and bereavement leave, I headed back to work this week. I expected the awkwardness but it was still painful.
“It was a surprise to all of us. Listen – I don’t even know what to say to you.”
“Usually management sends pictures of the baby after delivery. How are you? How’s the baby?”
I plaster a smile on my face and respond that my son is in Heaven. While people look at me with tears in their eyes, I look them right in the eye and smile and nod. I acknowledge that it was a terrible experience and that I trust God and His plan. I attribute my strength as a testimony of my faith. Only He can get my husband and I through this long and arduous valley we are walking through. I know that He is carrying us through it. When I respond like this, people eye me curiously and then the conversation quickly shifts to another topic.
During the usual call on his ride home, my husband asked me how I was yesterday and I started to bawl hysterically. It has been almost a month and half since we buried our son. Waves of fresh emotion overcome us at different times. It has been several days since I cried. But yesterday, the wave of emotion felt so fresh and I couldn’t help but feel defeated. I don’t mind consoling people but after doing it back-to-back for two days, reality sucker punched me in the face: I am not in my third trimester of pregnancy. The dark blue textile I wanted to purchase for a stroller cover has not been purchased. I cannot add a belly picture to the collection of weekly photos for Ezekiel. My son is dead and he is not with me here.
But true to His mercy and grace, I found a beautiful song by Chris McClarney from Jesus Culture that really spoke to me today. I have been repeating the lyrics over and over again and it continues to speak to my heart to remind me to plant my roots of faith deeper into Him. Having an incredible amount of faith doesn’t mean that there aren’t going to be days that don’t hurt. Having faith doesn’t automatically guarantee that everything is perfect the next day, the next week, the next month, or even the next year. But having an incredible amount of faith does let God know that we trust Him and that we will continue to adhere to His plan, because His plan is always worth it. That although we don’t know where the valley ends, we do know that there are countless stories in the Bible of people who were in the midst of complete disparity and hopelessness where God demonstrated that He was always there. That even in the times of anxiousness, God always continued to provide. The Bible demonstrates that our God is a God of hope. Our God is a God of faithfulness. Our God is a God of miracles. I need to be more patient. I need to trust Him.
You have blessed my family with so much during our time here on earth. When darkness tries to envelop my heart and soul, remind me to always remember how Your love never fails me. Help me to remember that You are a God of Miracles and that all things work together for my good.
God of Miracles
Let faith arise in spite of
what I see Lord I believe
But help my unbelief
I choose to trust You
No matter what I feel, let faith arise
Let faith arise
For my champion’s not dead, He is alive!
Oh, and He already knows my every need
Surely He will come and rescue me
God of miracles come
We need Your supernatural
love to break through
You’re the God of miracles
Let faith arise and see the kingdom come
I lift my eyes, oh
for the battle has been won
My God is faithful, oh
and every single word
He said is true, oh
This world is shaking
but You cannot be shaken
My heart is breaking
but I’m not broken yet
Your love is fearless
Help me to be courageous too
Oh there is nothing impossible
For the God of miracles
We need Your supernatural love
To break through, nothing’s impossible
You’re the God of miracles